Never Let Men Babysit
by Kate McCaye
Summary: Set shortly after Cassie's arrival in Season 1, O'Neill and Daniel get stuck babysitting Cassie.


A/N: It just occurred to me that all of my breaks were removed when I uploaded this story. I've made it clearer now, hopefully.

Never Let Men Babysit

by Kate McCaye

"Good afternoon, Daniel," Jack O'Neill said in a cheerful voice as he let himself into the archaeologist's office and leaned against a table covered in books and various artifacts.

"Hey, Jack. What do you want?" Daniel asked suspiciously, not looking away from the object he was examining with a magnifying glass.

"Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tonight. If you don't have other plans, of course."

Daniel looked at him suspiciously. No crack about him not having a life. No joke about his "rocks." He was definitely being on his best behavior. That didn't bode well for anybody in the near vicinity.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" he asked.

"Well, as you know, Captain Carter and the doc are both working on those weird mechanical virus things SG13 brought back. They're going to be here late."

"So?" Daniel asked, quickly losing interest in the conversation as he failed to see where it was going. Sam spent most of her nights at the SGC, after all. It was hardly a newsworthy occurrence, and as far as he was concerned, had no impact on his evening plans.

"So... Cassie needs a babysitter. They tricked me into agreeing."

"Yeah, I'll bet it was real hard," Daniel snorted absently, quickly opening the notebook at his side and scribbling down an observation about the artifact he was scrutinizing.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jack asked defensively, crossing his arms.

Daniel set down the artifact and turned to his friend, unable to stop himself. "Let me guess, it went something like this..." He batted his eyelashes rather ineffectually and put on a high voice. "Colonel, Janet and I have a lot of work to do tonight, I would really appreciate it if you could watch Cassie for her tonight..."

Jack narrowed his eyes at the younger man. "Carter doesn't sound like that at all," he grumbled. "And if you must know, Cassie requested me personally."

"Oh is that what they told you?"

"It's the truth."

"Yeah, only because you spoil her rotten to impress Sam."

"What! I do not!"

"Oh come on... 'every Earth kid has to have a dog. Every Earth kid has to go ice skating... every Earth kid has to have a playstation...'"

"All right, all right. Look. I like Cassie, okay. I'm just trying to make sure she is exposed to our culture properly. It has nothing to do with Carter."

"Right. Well, sounds like you're quite comfortable on your own tonight then."

"NO! You don't understand! Cassie's great on weekends when I can go places with her, but tonight's a school night and Janet said she's got to stay at home, she gets bored, things get... out of control. I'm sure Teal'c told you what happened last time?"

"Yes, if I recall correctly, you three almost burned down Janet's house with an easy bake oven mishap."

"It was really them..."

"Jack, don't those things use a little light bulb to 'cook?' How could you possibly start a fire with one of those?"

"I'm still not sure. But come on. Teal'c is busy tonight, he's got some self-defense seminar thing he's leading. Please. If you go we'll outnumber her. We'll be able to control her..."

"Cassandra is a sweet kid, Jack, not a wild animal."

"Yeah but she's... twelve."

"Astute observation there."

"Come on. I'll buy dinner. We'll order pizza. Come on we can play a zone defense on her, she won't stand a chance."

"Well, I suppose if I do go, I'll be able to give a first hand account to Sam and Janet of anything... interesting that might transpire. Maybe I'll bring my video camera..."

"You do you're dead, Spacemonkey. And thanks. Be ready to leave at four. We've got to pick her up from soccer practice."

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As Sam Carter stared impatiently into the microscope, waiting for the little mysterious device/viruses to reproduce themselves, she asked absently, "So, who do you think is winning between the Colonel, Daniel, and Cassie?"

Janet Fraiser snorted and said, "Cassie, no contest. I made them promise not to cook anything this time. Not even with a light bulb."

"Wise move."

"I thought so. You're welcome to come home with me and see for yourself... if the house is still standing, that is."

"You know, it's hard to believe Cassie's only been here for what... seven months? She's already so... acclimated. Not only to Earth but to all of our lives."

"Well, she had the advantage of having all of SG1 wrapped around her little finger from the get-go."

Sam smiled absently. "I guess that's true. I know I've said this before, Jan, but... I'm really glad you adopted her. I wouldn't get to see her so much if she had gone to some strangers..."

"I know. I'm glad too. It was a little tricky convincing General Hammond she'd be better off with me than with a normal, nuclear family, but he was really nice about it. Especially since she had already bonded with you and the guys also, to a lesser extent. Actually, it was Colonel O'Neill who finally swayed him in my favor."

"Really?" Sam asked, looking over at her friend in surprise. "I didn't know that... how come you didn't tell me?"

"He didn't want us to make a big deal about it... you know how he is, the gruff, terse type. Doesn't speak more than he has to and when he does it's never about anything personal..."

"Yeah..."

"Well, he gave a very impassioned, articulate argument in my favor. He got very emotional about it. Even mentioned his son. Hammond was surprised. I was shocked. He didn't ask us to, but we could tell he didn't want us sharing it around."

"So why are you telling me this now?"

"Well, somehow I think he'd be okay with you knowing if he knew that now you just find him that much more charming," she said with an innocent smile.

"JANET!" Sam said sharply. "He's my CO, I do not find him charming... or anything else for that matter."

"Right. Okay. So... how's that virus coming?"

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Cassie waved excitedly at Jack and Daniel as they reached the sidelines of the soccer field where she had practice. They waved back. Jack looked at his watch. "Guess we're a little early," he commented, finding a seat in the almost empty bleachers.

"Is that your dad?" Cassie's friend Amy asked as they got in line to give the goalie some good practice.

"Nope. I don't have a dad."

"Oh. Who are they then?"

"The older one is my... uncle. The one with the glasses is a... family friend."

"Why are they here?"

"Mom must have had to work late," she said with a shrug.

"Oh... they all work together?"

"Yeah."

"That's pretty cool..."

"Yeah. Your turn."

"Oh, woops."

As soon as practice was over, Cassie ran over to them excitedly. "Hi, Jack!" she yelled, jumping at him. He caught her up in a hug, tossed her up in the air, and set her down.

"Whew! You're gross!"

"Yeah the field's pretty muddy... Hi, Daniel," she said, hugging him in a much more calm, though still enthusiastic, manner.

"Hi. You were great out there!"

"Thanks... it's a pretty interesting game... Mom and Sam at work?"

"Yeah, last minute... thing came up. Nothing too serious though," Daniel said, quickly trying to erase the concerned look on the little girl's face.

"So you're stuck with us for the night," Jack said as they headed to his truck. "And before you say anything, we're having pizza for dinner."

"No argument from me!" she said happily as she climbed into the back seat.

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"Sam, let's take a little break, get a quick bite to eat," Janet said, stretching her neck wearily.

"But..."

"It's almost nine and we haven't eaten. They'll call us if anything happens. Thirty minutes, I swear."

"All right," Sam grumbled reluctantly, following Janet to the commissary.

They sat down with their sandwiches and such and Janet got a thoughtful look as she unwrapped hers. "I bet they're feeding her garbage," she said with a frown.

"Probably," Sam agreed, taking a bite of jell-o. "But you feed her so healthy all the time, a little junk now and then won't kill her."

"Yeah, but all the same, I'd just as soon keep her away from Daniel's coffee addiction until she's at least fifteen."

Sam laughed. "What about the Colonel? He thinks pizza and beer are the two main food groups."

Janet laughed. "Well, I'm sure they're not giving her beer. Pizza, I don't mind. The main thing I'm worried about is Dr. Pepper."

"Why?"

"She absolutely loves the stuff. I try to limit her to one a day, but she can get the Colonel to agree to pretty much anything... she'll probably be bouncing off the walls when I get home."

Sam laughed and said, "Yeah, probably."

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"Um, Jack, are you sure she's allowed that much soda?" Daniel asked quietly as they sat around the coffee table eating pizza straight from the box.

"This from the man with coffee running through his veins," Jack said, unconcerned.

"Still... I'm an adult."

"That's debatable."

"Jack."

"Daniel. Lighten up, a few sodas aren't going to kill her." He turned his attention back to Cassie. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

Her eyes lit up and she smiled in a slightly evil way he was sure was a carbon copy of the look he got from her mother as she prepared to give him an injection. "Oh no," he said quietly.

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"Sam, you're not going to believe this..."

"What?" She was just making significant progress on their experiment.

"I just called home to check in..."

"It's after ten, shouldn't Cassie be in bed?"

"Yes, she should, but she isn't. I don't know what's going on over there, but I could hear Britney Spears playing in the background, and a LOT of laughing."

"Was the Colonel crying for back-up yet?"

"Don't know, I talked to Daniel. Colonel O'Neill was 'unavailable,' according to Daniel. I'm also fairly certain I heard something breaking in the background..."

"I'm sure they'll all survive the night."

"Yeah, but Cassie's going to be a zombie at school tomorrow."

"She's smarter than all the other kids anyway, it won't kill her to be a bit drowsy for once. Or even take the day off..."

"Well, if that isn't the perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is," Janet commented with a fond smile.

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"Do we dare?" Janet whispered as she unlocked her front door. The house was oddly silent. "This isn't a good sign," she said, although it was just after midnight and the house had every right to be silent. The absence of the noise of the television was what bothered her the most... her kitchen light was still on, and it was enough to guide them safely through to the living room.

Janet took in the messy state of the house, particularly the living room. The coffee table was littered with pizza boxes, candy wrappers, half-empty bags of chips, and several empty soda cans. The throw pillows seemed to have been thrown quite a bit, as they were laying randomly around the room, seemingly where they had landed. The television was on, but muted. Animal Planet? Some party, she thought, containing a snort.

While she was more concerned with the state of her usually immaculate house, Sam's attention had been drawn instantly to the three people and the dog in the living room. They were all sound asleep. Daniel was sprawled in the chair, his glasses askew, snoring quietly. His long hair had been done up in a rather cute ponytail on the top of his head with a hot pink scrunchie.

"Check out Daniel and the Pebbles Flintstone look," Sam whispered to Janet, grabbing her arm. Janet covered her mouth to keep from laughing. In addition to the ponytail, he seemed to have been given a makeover. From the looks of it, by the same woman who did the makeup for Bozo the clown. He sported liberal amounts of blue eyeshadow on his closed lids, heavy mascara, making his eyelashes so long they had left black smudges on the inside of his lenses. Heavily rouged, he also wore a very deep wine colored lipstick that may have been expertly applied at some point, but was now smudged halfway across his left cheek.

"What is that on his arm?" Janet whispered. Sam pulled up the sleeve of his shirt slightly to reveal a drawn-on tattoo that read "I love unicorns" and indeed, included a picture of a unicorn.

Shaking with silent laughter, they finally moved onto the next sleeping occupant: the dog, Cap (short for Captain, named after Carter, to Colonel O'Neill's amusement.) He had gotten off easier than Daniel, he was wearing a different-colored sock on each foot and had a bright, multicolored scarf tied round his neck. He was sleeping peacefully with his back against the chair Daniel was in. He lifted up his head when they had entered the room but been too comfortable to bother greeting them and gone right back to sleep.

"Hey, that's my scarf," Janet suddenly realized.

"I'm betting that's yours as well," Sam said quietly, having finally spotted the Colonel. He was reclined deeply into the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table... feet that had a pair of red heels perched on them as best as they would fit.

"Oh no, honey, that's all yours," Janet said quietly as she took in the appearance of Colonel O'Neill.

"I meant the dress. And the shoes..."

Of course nothing of Janet's would possibly fit Colonel O'Neill, but that hadn't stopped Cassie... she had merely safety pinned the sparkly silver dress that looked like it belonged in a Vegas act to the shoulders of his shirt. It had the desired effect, especially when combined with his make over, which was similar to Daniel's, although his lipstick was bright red and still perfectly applied, and his eyeshadow matched the dress. He had about twenty little butterfly shaped clips positioned randomly in his hair as well.

"Is that... nail polish?" Sam suddenly said, leaning over to look at his hands more closely. Sure enough, his nails were now each a different vibrant color. "Oh my god... where's a camera when you need it?" she whispered to Janet. They were both about to burst from trying so hard not to laugh.

The two women finally turned their attention to the cause of all of this chaos, the little girl curled up in a ball on the couch with her head on a pillow in Colonel O'Neill's lap. As ridiculous as the scene before them looked, with the Colonel's head lolled back against the sofa and his mouth hanging open as he slept, Sam couldn't help but think how sweet they both looked.

Cassie was tucked under a blanket and his arm was around her. Her hair had obviously been braided - extremely poorly - by one of the men (Sam was guessing it was Daniel.) Her cheeks still had a bit of pink blush on them and her lips were pink as well, but other than that, she looked normal.

"All right, I'll get Cassie up to bed. Sam, why don't you take your little drag queens home. They look too tired to be driving."

"All right," Sam agreed with a smile.

As Janet tried to pick up her daughter, the Colonel's arm tightened around her automatically and his eyes snapped open. He focused quickly on Janet and said, "Woa, what time is it?"

"Little after midnight. Looks like you guys had quite a party..."

He looked down at himself and swore. "I meant to take this off before you got home..."

"No, no, it's quite a good color on you, Colonel. I'm sure Sam agrees."

"Sam?" he asked blearily, then his eyes widened and he turned his head, quickly locating her.

She was shaking with silent giggles.

"Um... hey Carter."

"Hi, sir. Mind taking off Janet's dress so I can take you and Daniel home?"

"Um, sure, no problem," he said, trying to remain dignified as he unpinned the dress from his shirt while Janet scooped up Cassie and carried her upstairs.

"So... looks like you guys had an interesting night. Care to share?" she asked, watching as he removed the shoes from his feet with a puzzled look around the room for his own footwear.

"Oh... I think some things are better left unexplained, Captain."

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End file.
